I've hit my first real stumbling block this year,and it's an old demon i didn't prepare for, but should have.
I've been doing so good in every situation. My head has been in the right places and everything has just fallen into place. I even think i'm figuring out secrets to permanent weigh loss [I:E aiming to be healthy, not thin]
And then last weeks weigh in was 170 kilos exactly. My first big goal was to get under that. I haven't been there for years and each time i'm a few hundred grams off getting there, my diet hits a brick wall and i fall.
I didn't even think i'd hit that wall this time because i've been in such a good place, but i should have thought about it and prepared for it. Because here i am, at the foot of that wall.
This week hasn't been good health wise. I've had gastro and not exercised at all. But i've made crap food choices too. I've had some meat pies, KFC, late night snacking, booze binges,cake and bickies galore. Why? the same reason it's happened every time before: I just dont know. Something inside me clicks over into sabotage monster mode.
I feel yuck because my body isn't getting decent fuel. Mentally i'm hating on myself for not only doing this to myself but for not knowing why.
So humour me while i think out loud....
Maybe i think that if i get under 170, i'll have to start again with another 10 kilo goal and it's easier to focus on the 10 kilos already lost, and the pride that goes with it, than to think ok i've got to this goal, now to start on the next".and see another 10 in front of me, like that 10 discredits the previous 10 somehow. well i have another 90 kilos to lose, so if thats how i'm thinking, i better figure it out quick!
Fat has always been a security blanket for me. I have abandonment issues and if someone is going to reject me/leave me, i can blame the fat rather than myself. Like they have to reject the fat coz they cant get to whats inside.I've in the 170's, 180's so long, that maybe its my comfort zone. Maybe 169 kilos signifies vulnerability. Maybe leaving myself open a bit and i'm not prepared for that.
I cant think of any other reasons why it could happen, [except a few unreasonable mind games i play with myself that i'd feel stupid writing here] but maybe that is enough to work with and ponder.
I need to get over this hurdle and fast. I don't want to crumble at the foot of that wall :o/
I've been doing so good in every situation. My head has been in the right places and everything has just fallen into place. I even think i'm figuring out secrets to permanent weigh loss [I:E aiming to be healthy, not thin]
And then last weeks weigh in was 170 kilos exactly. My first big goal was to get under that. I haven't been there for years and each time i'm a few hundred grams off getting there, my diet hits a brick wall and i fall.
I didn't even think i'd hit that wall this time because i've been in such a good place, but i should have thought about it and prepared for it. Because here i am, at the foot of that wall.
This week hasn't been good health wise. I've had gastro and not exercised at all. But i've made crap food choices too. I've had some meat pies, KFC, late night snacking, booze binges,cake and bickies galore. Why? the same reason it's happened every time before: I just dont know. Something inside me clicks over into sabotage monster mode.
I feel yuck because my body isn't getting decent fuel. Mentally i'm hating on myself for not only doing this to myself but for not knowing why.
So humour me while i think out loud....
Maybe i think that if i get under 170, i'll have to start again with another 10 kilo goal and it's easier to focus on the 10 kilos already lost, and the pride that goes with it, than to think ok i've got to this goal, now to start on the next".and see another 10 in front of me, like that 10 discredits the previous 10 somehow. well i have another 90 kilos to lose, so if thats how i'm thinking, i better figure it out quick!
Fat has always been a security blanket for me. I have abandonment issues and if someone is going to reject me/leave me, i can blame the fat rather than myself. Like they have to reject the fat coz they cant get to whats inside.I've in the 170's, 180's so long, that maybe its my comfort zone. Maybe 169 kilos signifies vulnerability. Maybe leaving myself open a bit and i'm not prepared for that.
I cant think of any other reasons why it could happen, [except a few unreasonable mind games i play with myself that i'd feel stupid writing here] but maybe that is enough to work with and ponder.
I need to get over this hurdle and fast. I don't want to crumble at the foot of that wall :o/
And of course i put on 1.9 kilos [4.1lbs]. I'm surprised i didn't do more damage with what i did to myself!
Edit: I've decided to add my meals here for this week. I need the accountability until i get back on track.
Today:
Breakfast: 2 x wholemeal toast with 1 sliced egg. Latte with full milk & 1 sugar.
Lunch: 2 x whole meal toast with low fat margarine, cut into little solders. A can of chunky beef soup. Glass of Pepsi Max.
Dinner: Stir fry veges with half a chicken breast and sweet & sour stir fry sauce. Glass of Pepsi Max.
Exercise: 40 mins Just Dance Wii.
Water 3/4 a litre
10 comments:
You're right. For the majority of obese people, it's more mental than physical. All you can do is keep fighting, keep figuring it out and do NOT give up on yourself.
Sorry your week wasn't the best. It's always nice to see you blogging though:)
If the numbers are doing your head in then why not forget about them. You know what you want/need to do for your health and if you maintain them, then you will probably feel good about it. Regardless of whether you know what the number is or not.
I know how difficult it can feel to abandon the scale, because it feels like you will have nothing to base how 'well' you are going on. It might be something to think about.eseaske ailowe
lol. That jibberish above was me trying to prove I wasn't a robot. It was just in the wrong space!
Ok you got to your target had a blow out now you just rectify the damage (get back to that target) and move on to the next target of 160kilo.
A bad week doesn't disguise the fact you've done well and are capable of losing weight it happens to us all.
Remember falling off the horse isn't important its having the guts to get back on straight away that matters.
Thanks for your support guys. I can't tell you how much that means to me! (hugs)
Wake up tomorrow morning and get back on track with baby steps. Maybe a smaller goal than 10kg maybe?? Be proud of the things that are going right...these are all the things I try and tell myself aswell.Keep fighting the good fight!! Take care x
Thanks Donna :o)
Hi
You asked what was different when I lost that first 40 - 50 kilos?
I didn't have lymphoedema as extreme as I do now.. plus I was not in the wheelchair and was able to walk, exercise, move around freely
But now, I'm in the wheelchair 24/7 outside and walk around the house with much difficulty and pain, I can't walk or stand for any length of time nr move around freely or without thought
I am low in a variety of things such as iron, vit d, vit b12 etc and have an underactive thyroid now
I constantly have infections / cellulitis flare ups every 3 - 4 weeks, requiring hospitalisations, medications and it's just been so hard.. the body is still fighting the head
All the above are explanations, not excuses of why I am finding it so hard this time round.. :) but I'm not giving up believe me..
Anne
Hi
You asked what was different when I lost that first 40 - 50 kilos?
I didn't have lymphoedema as extreme as I do now.. plus I was not in the wheelchair and was able to walk, exercise, move around freely
But now, I'm in the wheelchair 24/7 outside and walk around the house with much difficulty and pain, I can't walk or stand for any length of time nr move around freely or without thought
I am low in a variety of things such as iron, vit d, vit b12 etc and have an underactive thyroid now
I constantly have infections / cellulitis flare ups every 3 - 4 weeks, requiring hospitalisations, medications and it's just been so hard.. the body is still fighting the head
All the above are explanations, not excuses of why I am finding it so hard this time round.. :) but I'm not giving up believe me..
Anne
Oh Gee Anne! I thought you had that stuff all along! O_o
Well go you for staying on your mission to lose weight! :o)
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